Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
