Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I will die if light touches me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
