you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
