Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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