were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
