take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
