a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
