can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Where are you guys?
Drunk
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize