If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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