I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
