when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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