A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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