Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
