Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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