Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
