I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
