Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize