He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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