On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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