The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
