I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
