I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
