see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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