I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
