no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
that is very illegal...i love you.
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