her vagine was all disorganized.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
