New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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