I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
