So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
