I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
