im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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