she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
