Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
