My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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