NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
