So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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