My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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