just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
