i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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