Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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