i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
