Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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