OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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