Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
