Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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