Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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