I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
