So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
