ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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