Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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