I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
