Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
