Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
