last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
