in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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