I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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