That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize