dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
