How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Actions speak louder than pants.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
