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remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
there is glitter all over my balls
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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