just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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